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Fuck you.

This is an entirely new level of hurt I’m feeling deep in my veins and down in my heart. Every time I watch you walk away from me, knowing that in merely a few days that back view will be last I’ll see of you in a long while, my tears involuntarily rise and my hands tremble from the outrage that I can’t help myself from feeling this way.

Then quick, I turn away from you, hoping that the tears falling won’t be faster than my will but they always are. You always catch me. And maybe I want you to catch me, so you’ll feel the pain and hurt I feel. Because how could you leave someone you love so much behind? The head and the heart exist separately for our different needs. The head tells us to live for ourselves and not to impose such unkindness upon others, but the heart wants a crutch forever. I am not ready. It’s not supposed to feel this way.

So do I protect my sanity or us more? It’s easy to push you away and block you out. But I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I did it. And then again, I am not the prophet of my life to know where we’ll be this time next year.

I hate you for making me feel this way about you. And I guess I’d hate you with every fibre in my body if I did not love you more.

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Reconcile or rip apart

You make me feel crazy and out of my mind. I’m not enough for you so you make me want to try, but I can’t let go of my head. You stop me from doing things I think are not justified so I don’t, but I end up resenting you instead for your inflexibility. You want to possess me so I let you do it, but I loathe myself for not being strong enough to reconcile the person I am with you and the person I am without.

Is it that it’s easier for us to get angry at those we love? We’re overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that blind us from reason. Maybe it’s because I know that no matter what, you’ll always forgive me anyway. But those reasons don’t justify you making me feel like a wreck and a god at the same time. You make me feel crazy but I can’t do anything to stop me or you because in the end, you’re worth it.

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Zedd ft. Matthew Koma & Miriam Bryant: Find You

I’ll build a city that dreams for two

Find You, Zedd ft. Matthew Koma & Miriam Bryant

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Dead wood awaits to ignite
There’s no spark on a dampened floor

The Woodpile, Frightened Rabbit

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"

Perhaps the greatest faculty our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.

First is the door of sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. Sleep marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the mind’s way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.

Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.

Third is the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.

Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told.

"

— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

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"Control the way you look, the way you feel."

— Mind.

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Don’t.

Every time someone tells me I look pretty, my mind goes back to that one day ten years ago and I quiver inside. That’s why I never say anything beyond a thank you, because I don’t even mean it. But I’m glad I make you happy looking at me. Look away.

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Make me believe we have something left to hold on to.

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I said what could we do
You said we could do anything we want to

Love Is A Dog From Hell, The Limousines

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"You’re the magician’s assistant in their dreams."

Riptide, Vance Joy

You’re the magician’s assistant in [my] dreams.

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